World’s greatest dice roll

April 23, 2008

Humans are strange creatures.


Love and Bullets

April 18, 2008

by Nick Taylo

Chapter 1

It started like it always did. With a body.

This one was in the river. I could tell she had once been beautiful. But this bullet and a fast current had taken that away from her. All we are, all that we think we are, all that we’re certain about is taken away from us. When you’ve worked the streets and seen what I’ve seen, you become more and more convinced of it everyday.

Caprica City had been my teacher. My Mistress. From the moment I open my eyes, she’s in my blood, like cheap wine, bitter and sweet, tinged with regret.

I’ll never be afraid of her. Nor do I want to be. For she is what I am, all that is and should always be.

-Adama, reading to Roslyn, “The Ties that Bind.”

People you may know

April 15, 2008

A funny thing happened to me on Facebook today.

There’s a recent feature in the profile section called “People you may know,” which keeps track of Facebook users who are friends with your friends; in essence, it aims to facilitate networking by cross-referencing friend lists.

For example : if person x is a friend of person y and person z, and persons y & z are friends with person w, it’s logical to assume that you also might be friends with person w. Facebook now offers a listing of such persons, in order to give you the opportunity to expand and update your lists.

But the really cool thing about this feature is when you discover that two of your friends from completely different spheres in your life have a mutual acquaintance that you never heard of. It’s a small world of course — six degrees of separation and all that — but we rarely find out just how close we all are save for the odd moment of coincidence. Now, with this feature, you will suddenly learn that your best friend from Halifax is buddies with your boss’ cousin, or that your ex-girlfriend’s sister hung out with one of your co-workers way back in CEGEP.

Not everyone likes the idea, but I for one think it’s mostly harmless. Who knows? You might even discover that the road rage dude you shared a cell with back in ’03 when you did that 2-year stint for aggravated assault turns out to be friends with this drugged-out carjacker from Verdun called “Needles” — the very same guy who sold you an ounce of £%¢@#$¤ powdered sugar instead of pure Nigerian H back in ’99.

I mean hell, I’ve been sooooo looking forward to getting back in touch with that guy.

Damn dirty apes

April 6, 2008

Charlton Heston, dead at 84

Charlton Heston, a.k.a. Moses, a.k.a. Judas Ben Hur, a.k.a. the Soylen Green dude, a.k.a. the Planet of the Apes dude, a.k.a. El Cid, a.k.a. the NRA Prez, a.k.a. Andrew Jackson is no more. A living monument of Hollywood, Heston played larger-than-life figures with vim and gusto throughout his career.

Paramedics called to Heston’s Los Angeles home late last night confirmed that he had passed away, then took the shotgun he clutched from his cold, dead hands.


April 4, 2008

To the left, a picture of Joseph Stalin, circa 1915.

To the right, a picture of Borat Sagdiyev, famous Kazakhstani journalist.

Stalin - 1915 borat.jpg

Sometimes you just have to wonder.

Youppi traded to Pittsburgh

April 1, 2008

MONTREAL Que. (Rutters) — Fans of the Montreal Canadiens reacted with shock and consternation Tuesday morning when General Manager Bob Gainey announced the beloved team mascot, Youppi, had been traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Eric Shun, Youppi’s manager. “He gave so much to this city.”

The surprise move was leaked to the media late Monday night, after weeks of secret negotiations. Youppi was phoned at 11:00 PM EST and informed of the trade.

Most fans polled by Rutters were unaware that the mascot trading deadline, unlike the player trading deadline, extends all the way up to the end of the regular season.

Youppi was drafted in 2005 by the Canadiens after a long stint as baseball mascot for the now defunct Montreal Expos. His second chance at a career in major-league sports came in spite of persistent rumors of alcoholism and drug abuse following his dismissal from MLB in 2004.

Youppi Gainey

Youppi and GM Bob Gainey in happier days

“I’ve always had the utmost respect for Youppi,” said Bob Gainey during Tuesday morning’s press conference. “He gave us good years, but the injuries have taken their toll. We need younger blood for the upcoming playoffs.

“He was slated to become a free agent this summer,” Gainey added. “Sadly, we have to look to the future.”

Youppi has been plagued by groin injuries in the past, and struggled to maintain his career-high cheering average of .450 during the 2006-2007 season.

The General Manager insisted that recent media attention surrounding Youppi had played no part in the trade. “I never believed all those stories about the brothels in Thailand,” said Gainey, in reference to allegations by notorious Globe and Mail columnist Eileen Dover that Youppi indulges in the far-East sex-tourism trade during the off-season.

Youppi’s manager has staunchly denied these claims, famously calling Dover “Une grosse truie mangeuse de marde,” and accusing the Toronto newspaper of being “Un ostie d’torchon sale rempli de cochonneries.”

More recent controversies involving Youppi include unearthed footage of a 2005 junior-league tournament showing the mascot savagely beating on a junior-league goaltender who refused to fight back, and a leaked 2003 police report describing a panicked 911 call from Youppi’s wife, leading to charges that were later dismissed.

It is unclear when Pittsburgh mascot “Iceburg,” a.k.a. “the (figure) Skating Penguin” will assume cheering duties for Montreal. The flightless bird, originally from Argentina, has been dogged by his own recent troubles, with recent scrutiny of his visa status by the U.S. Department of Immigration.